Saving Face: Columbus Blue Jackets

We all have players on our favourite team that we value, ones that we wouldn't give up for anything. But they didn't all start out that way, in fact many "Franchise" players weren't even drafted by the team that now finds them so valuable. Some are on their second team, some are on their fourth, but all of them have become extremely valuable hockey players. This series is intended to allow us to look closely at these so called "Faces of the Franchise" because sometimes stars are easy to see, sometimes it takes years to find diamonds in the rough, and sometimes you don't know what you got till it's gone.

Richard Allen “R.J.” Umberger Jr. – Columbus Blue Jackets

Is this the Dunk Tank?

Welp, that’s a dumb name.

I wish I could be writing about Rick Nash, but the Blue Jackets traded him away to the New York Rangers for two players who are always injured (maybe dead? Zombies are accident prone) and a prospect who really really hates Calgary. So I have to write about RJ Hamburger.

Umberger was actually drafted by the Vancouver Canucks, but after failing to agree on a contract with then GM Brian Burke (what’s this? Brian Burke being stubborn about contracts?) RJ sat out the ENTIRE 2003-2004 NHL hockey season. Which is dumb, because apparently the two sides were just $100,000 dollars apart and you know what is more expensive than losing $100,000 dollars? Losing an entire season’s worth of salary. RJ was then traded to the New York Rangers for Martin Rucinsky, THEN refused to sign with the Rangers, and finally signed with the Philadelphia Flyers in June of 2004.  He played 3 seasons with the Flyers and was then traded to Columbus for a couple of draft picks. I know it seems like Umberger is basically the opposite of a face of the franchise considering he was owned by 4 teams in 4 years but bear with me here. Plus, who else on Columbus is there to talk about.

Let’s look at the STATS!

RJ's bobblehead's head is fused to its body because RJ

 would never nod in agreement to anything.

2004-2005: Umberger produced 65 points in 80 games for the Flyers minor league affiliate, the Philadelphia Phantoms, and won a Calder Cup. Which is named after this guy, wait, scratch that, this guy.

2005-2006: RJ was called up to the Flyers after putting up 10 points in 8 games with the Phantoms. And went on to score 20 goals and 38 points in 73 games.

I promise you that's RJ Umberger

2006-2007: Umberger struggles under his new 2 year contract, producing only 28 points in 81 games, but it could have been worse, he almost died. I’m actually pretty sure a ghost has entered his body and now controls him. Have mercy on me, O Hanaka of the Toilet!

2007-2008: RJ bounces back well, posting 50 points in 74 games and is rewarded with being dealt for to Columbus for their 1^st and 3^rd round picks in the 2008 NHL Entry Draft. Hope you like domesticated tomatoes RJ!

Yes, let the hate flow through you

2008-2009: The highest goal total of his career (26) helps RJ and the Blue Jackets to their first and only playoff appearance. It doesn’t end well for RJ. That smacked the ghost right out of him. Goodbye, Hanako, hello Banquo (Out, Damn’d Spot!). Now I know why they call RJ a “possession” player.

2009-2010: RJ continues being just a great guy, a-plus human being, mocking the Capitals and the Eastern Conference in general following a bad loss to the Caps. Hey at least he’s probably nice and warm from all the bridges he’s burned.

What kind of monster would hug Brett Lebda?

2010-2011: Umberger puts up 57 points in 82 games and continues his harassment of the world, complaining about St Louis playersplaying soccer near the Blue Jackets’ dressing room (Get Off My Lawn!) and being pretty negative about the direction Columbus is headed.

2011-2012: Umberger signs a new contract where his cap hit is 4.6 million for 5 years. The guy is basically guaranteed to put up 20 goals and 50 points but lets look at other players with the same cap hit. David Backes, Max Pacioretty, Andrew Ladd, Teddy Purcell. And most of them got their contract without complaining about how much their team sucked.

Coach says I don't gotta wear a helmet up here, heh

2012-2013: RJ volunteers as an assistant coach at his former University OSU. “They can relate because I am a player”, that’s beautiful RJ, very intuitive. When hockey resumes he joins a Blue Jackets team that seems to find new life under new GM Jarmo Kekalainen, but Umberger produces just 8 goals in 48 games.

Boy the sun is bright!

Well this was fun. The 2013-2014 season will be a very interesting season for the Columbus Blue Jackets as they try and prove that their quasi success of last season wasn’t just a flash in the pan. However, if Columbus finds itself struggling early, R.J. Umberger could find himself traded. In all likelihood it'll be to the Rangers or the Flyers, who seem to think that Columbus is the only other team that exists.

Come on back tomorrow as we discuss the Dallas Stars and their famous Benn Brothers! Now featuring Tyler Seguin, the Garbage King.

Saving Face: Colorado Avalanche

There may be some of you who are saying "Why did you reboot this blog? Is it because you want to blog for Canucks Army?" and to those of you asking those questions I say, "Who are you? How'd you get in here? Get out of my office!"

So here we go for round 2, or part 7, of my award-winning series on NHL Faces of the Franchise, thanks for joining me.

Saving Face: Colorado Avalanche

We all have players on our favourite team that we value, ones that we wouldn't give up for anything. But they didn't all start out that way, in fact many "Franchise" players weren't even drafted by the team that now finds them so valuable. Some are on their second team, some are on their fourth, but all of them have become extremely valuable hockey players. This series is intended to allow us to look closely at these so called "Faces of the Franchise" because sometimes stars are easy to see, sometimes it takes years to find diamonds in the rough, and sometimes you don't know what you got till it's gone.

Nathan Mackinnn....... syke

Paul Stastny - Colorado Avalanche

Could he fit a silly straw in there?

I know some of think I should have picked Matt Duchene, but this isn't a feature on Trout Fishing or maybe Gabriel Landeskog, but this isn't a feature on Swedish Infants.

So you, and I, AND the Avalanche are stuck with Paul Stastny.

Paul Stastny is the son of Peter Stastny, who is his father, who, along with his wife, produced Paul, their son, in Quebec City, Quebec, Canada. This will be important later. Peter Stastny was born in Czechoslovakia and played in the NHL would go down as one of the best Quebec Nordiques players ever to put on the Fleur De Lis. Peter also played internationally for Czechoslovaki, Canada, and just plain old Slovakia. Paul was having none of that. Despite being born in Canada, Paul plays interntionally for the US team, including the most recent World Championships where he put up a ridiculous 15 points in 10 games. Peter Stastny might also go down in history as the dad who hated his son's team the most. Now let's focus more on Paul.

Nope, not explaining the Golden Cup

Paul was drafted 44th overall by the Colorado Avalanche in the 2005 NHL Entry Draft, presumably because the Blackhawks had just picked up NHL star and definitely not terrible player, Michael Blunden. Stastny finished college hockey at the University of Denver (Denver) in the spring of 2006 and joined the Avalanche the following year.

"Boy, I'm just excited to be here Joe!" 

"Give me 6 years Paul and I will literally own you."

2006-2007: Stastny put up 79 points in 82 games as rookie, including a stretch where he had points in 20 consecutive games, setting the rookie record. He lost the Calder Trophy for top NHL Rookie to this guy though.

2007-2008: Paul continued his torrid pace, accumulating 71 points in 66 games. He was also selected to play in the 2008 All Star Game, but once he found out it was being held in Atlanta, he opted to have his appendix removed instead. Because having your appendix removed is more enjoyable than playing hockey in Atlanta.

2008-2009: Mr. Stastny was signed to a nice new contract for $33 million dollars over 5 years. He wound up having a cap hit of $6.6 million per year. Which totally hasn’t effected how Colorado “fans” view him. I put fans in quotations there and it's not because I don' think they’re fans, I just don’t think they exist.

Hey, that looks just like my bathroom

2009-2010: Paul played himself onto the US Olympic team, where he came preeeeettty close to an Olympic Gold. The Avalanche also made the playoffs, gave the Sharks a scare, but eventually bowed out in 6 games.

2010-2011: Paul finally got to make an All Star Game appearance, mainly because this time it was in hockey hotbed Raleigh North Carolina, but also because really, who else were fans going to vote for on the Avalanche. Whoops, I said fans again. The 2011 All Star is notable for one reason only, we witnessed the birth of the Guardian Project. Which was just terrible.

Yeah, that's just Dr. Freeze

2011-2012: Stastny struggled as he saw his role shift from offensive focus, to more of a defensive focus. Despite doing a pretty good jobin the 2nd/3rd line centre role, Stastny began to be vilified by local media and the trade rumours began.

It gives you help on the wiiiiiiiings

2012-2013: Paul played for EHC Munchen of the German Hockey League during the lockout, again shunning Slovakia. When what can only be described as a saga begun surrounding Ryan O’Reilly’s future with the Avalanche, it appeared that Stastny would have an opportunity to excel in a more offensive role. That didn’t happen, as Stastny finished with the lowest offensive pace of his career.

"Why don't you dance anymore, Paul?"

"Bernie please, you're a dog, it's weird that you can talk."

The future is a scary place for Paul Stastny. Rumours continue that he will be traded, but it is just as likely that he will finish this year with Colorado and seek greener pastures as a UFA next summer. It would mean leaving behind the city of Denver, a place he has lived for almost 10 years. But, of course we all know what will happen to Stastny, he will betraded to the Leafs for Dion Phaneuf, because of course, and because Dave Nonis is a terrible GM.

Please come back tomorrow as I focus on the Columbus Blue Jackets. Oh man, I’m gonna have to talk about R.J. Umberger aren’t I? Crud.

Saving Face: Chicago Blackhawks

We all have players on our favourite team that we value, ones that we wouldn't give up for anything. But they didn't all start out that way, in fact many "Franchise" players weren't even drafted by the team that now finds them so valuable. Some are on their second team, some are on their fourth, but all of them have become extremely valuable hockey players. This series is intended to allow us to look closely at these so called "Faces of the Franchise" because sometimes stars are easy to see, sometimes it takes years to find diamonds in the rough, and sometimes you don't know what you got till it's gone.


Jonathan MF Toews Y'all - Chicago Blackhawks

No idea why the call him "Captain Serious"


Jonathan Toews, pronounced "toes", has only been in the NHL for four seasons and in that time he's been nominated for a Calder, become Captain of his team, won an Olympic Gold medal and won a Stanley Cup. That means he averages at least one major accomplishment per season, so look for him for the Vezina this year, and if he does, expect him to look less like a garbage-man than this guy. But it wasn't all sunshine and daisies for "Tazer", or actually, it kinda was. Considering his lack of a long term NHL career, we're gonna start a little earlier than usual.

You're doing it wrong


2003-04: Jonathan Toews is selected first overall by the Tri-City Americans in the WHL Bantam Draft, but amazingly he chooses to play collegiate hockey instead. Pfft "college boy"


2004-05: Toews earns 39 points as a freshman. Man all I earned as a freshmen was the "freshmen fifty" :( . Toews also helps North Dakota University win the Broad Moor Cup. Ha Ha, place-names are fun. 

The internet is wonderful isn't it?


2005-06: Toews guides North Dakota past Holy Cross and into the Frozen Four a la Dante's Inferno. He also joins Canada at the World Junior Championships and is very confused when they hand him a gun.


2006-07: Toews is drafted by the Chicago Blackhawks, the Grand Forks Herald claims he goes number 3, which sounds gross. He also admits he's a junkie. Toews again joins Canada at the WJC, and when the Semi-Finals goes to a shootout, he shoots three times. He scores all three times, unlike Peter Mueller.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?


2007-08: Toews graduates from University, actually not really, I just like that song. He forgoes the last two years of his degree and joins the Blackhawks in the NHL. He scores his first NHL goal on his first NHL shot in his first NHL game, and together with Patrick Kane, he of the baby-body, they bring back some win to the Windy City. Toews despite leading NHL rookies in scoring, he loses the Calder Trophy, Kane vows it is "the last time someone beats me in scoring"


2008-09: Toews is named Captain of the Blackhawks, after the previous Captain, Martin Lapointe, is traded to Ottawa for a sixth round pick, Crazy right? At 20, he is the third youngest Captain in history. you know what I was doing when I was twenty? A whole lot of this. He racks up 69 (heh) points on the season and just amazes people in general. And some grunt in satisfaction and others speak in a weirdly grunty voice.

Whoa, don't Toews me bro!


2009-10: This year is big for Toews, maybe even bigger than last year. He makes the Canadian Olympic team and wins a gold medal thanks to Hockey Jesus. He almost dies, but he gets his revenge. During the playoffs, things get a little crazy in Chicago. Toews wins Conn Smythe Trophy as the Blackhawks take home the Stanley Cup. Manitoba is so gosh darned excited for him that they name a lake after him. Presumably the lake is in the shape of his head.


2010-11: The real highlight of his career, Toews is named the Cover Athlete of EA's NHL 11, leading to a stream of promotional videos, all of which have funny in the title for some reason. Toews puts up 76 points for the season, the most in his career, even though all his little buddies are traded away. In the playoffs, the Canucks get their revenge. 

Like a less comfortable Forrest Gump


Who knows what the future holds for Toews. He's still only 23 years old and he's an integral part of the Chicago Blackhawks so if his luck holds out he'll last one, maybe two more summers before the trade him away for cap reasons. Despite his serious demeanour, he still knows how to cut loose and have fun, like taking his "cousin" to a baseball game. And as long as he never asks Patrick Kane for that money he owes him he'll be OK. He should probably take it a little easier on the kids though. But that's just my opinion.


Stay tuned tomorrow when we showcase Colorado's Face of the Franchise Joe Sakic! What was that? shoot, I guess we'll just do Chris Stewart then. What? OK well how about John-Michael Liles? No? OK, well we'll find someone. Until then.

Saving Face: Carolina Hurricanes

We all have players on our favourite team that we value, ones that we wouldn't give up for anything. But they didn't all start out that way, in fact many "Franchise" players weren't even drafted by the team that now finds them so valuable. Some are on their second team, some are on their fourth, but all of them have become extremely valuable hockey players. This series is intended to allow us to look closely at these so called "Faces of the Franchise" because sometimes stars are easy to see, sometimes it takes years to find diamonds in the rough, and sometimes you don't know what you got till it's gone.

Eric Staal - Carolina Hurricanes

Woooooooooooooo!

Thunder Bay, Ontario. Winter of 1994. The Staal brothers are outside in the snow, Eric, the eldest has Jordan pinned in the icy snowbank, the snow mixing with tears as he face-washes his brother into oblivion. Marc is upset and afraid, he runs inside calling for help. Mrs. Staal rushes outside, the fun's over for now. Later, it's dark inside the house, Marc is thirsty and goes for a glass of water. It is too dark to see but Marc senses a presence in the hallway, a voice breaks the stillness, it is Eric, his face hidden in the shadows

"Snitches get stitches little bro....keep your head up"

Marc laughs it off, but he awakens the next morning with a rotten feeling in his gut, something is coming.

Jr. Reporter Eric Staal, giving you nothing but "Tru Fakts!"

Eric Staal was born in the town of Thunder Bay just 26 years ago, but his impressive hockey skills and freaky family of wunder-athletes have made him a very recognizable part of the NHL. Originally drafted by the Carolina Hurricanes 2nd overall in the 2003 Entry Draft, he remains with them as Captain, both of the team and Captain of their Hearts. 

Really working the groin there Eric

2003-2004: After being drafted second overall, Eric gets to work scoring seven preseason goals in seven preseason games. Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford could have selected Nathan Horton with the 2nd overall draft pick but didn't, no word on whether texted an apology or not.

2004-2005: Staal spends the lockout playing for the Lake Erie Monsters, but as far as I'm concerned there's only one lake monster we should be concerned about. Betty White doesn't give a CRAP.

hahaha FACE!

2005-06: The lockout ends and Staal gets back to work. In just his second full season, he scores 45 goals and tallies 100 points. The Oilers push the Canes to Game 7 by shutting them out. But the Canes bounce back, somehow managing to score on the great Jussi Markkanen. The Canes win the Cup.

2006-07: Eric regresses a little, falling back to 70 points on the season. Never-the-less he and his brother Jordan are selected to go the IIHF World Championships in Finland. Their mother tells them to "make sure you bring a jacket!" Eric gets married in the off-season, and he has a bachelor party, unfortunately the police make arrests, right before it got awesome. You might say it was Arrested Development.

I guess they only had one chair....?

2007-08: Eric performs better, reaching 82 points on the season. He also goes on OTR with Michael Landsberg, where he references how hard Marc was to babysit. This is the moment we should have known he was planning something.

2008-09: Eldest Staal's season is partially disrupted by the death of his grandfather, but he still finds time to totally screw over Marty Brodeur.

The passport says Jason Bourne, but who am I really.....?

2009-10: Bourne, sorry, Staal has an underwhelming season, it's the first time since his rookie season that he scores under 30 goals, finishing with 29. He does, however, do this, which is pretty cool.

2010-11: In his first full season as Team Captain, Staal finishes with 33 goals and 76 points, he also is the model for the team's Guardian and basically ends his brother's career.

Whoo! Whoo! All aboard the Eric Express! No Staal-ing!!

Eric Staal is a well-known player across the NHL, which is impressive for a member of the Hurricanes. And in recent years he has found great chemistry with Tuomo Ruutu and last year, with Justin Bieber. Who knows what route his career will go now, He's won a Stanley Cup and Gold at the Olympics and World Championships.

If he's looking for people to hit, he does still have two brothers playing hockey, even if one is hiding in an Abe Lincoln costume. 

There can be only one! Staal.

Join us tomorrow when we discuss the Chicago Blackhawks and I try and make you all laugh at Captain Serious, Jonathan Toews.

Saving Face: Calgary Flames

We all have players on our favourite team that we value, ones that we wouldn't give up for anything. But they didn't all start out that way, in fact many "Franchise" players weren't even drafted by the team that now finds them so valuable. Some are on their second team, some are on their fourth, but all of them have become extremely valuable hockey players. This series is intended to allow us to look closely at these so called "Faces of the Franchise" because sometimes stars are easy to see, sometimes it takes years to find diamonds in the rough, and sometimes you don't know what you got till it's gone.

Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla - Calgary Flames

Jarome, you got a little something....uh under your eye.....Look, you're bleeding profusely Jarome

Iginla was drafted 11th overall in the 1995 Entry Draft by the Calgary Fla.. what? The Dallas Stars drafted him? Oh next you're gonna tell me they didn't draft Mike Modano either....oh 

Alright let's start again. The DALLAS Stars drafted him, in what appears to be a High School Gymnasium, waited six months and then traded him to the CALGARY Flames for future GM Joe Nieuwendyk. Later that same season, his junior career over, he joined the big club in the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Jarome, look out behind you. It's Dr. Walter Bishop! He might steal you and take you away to a parallel universe!

1995-96: Jarome plays two playoff games, assisting in his first career game and then scoring in the next. Meanwhile, Joe Nieuwendyk and the DALLAS Stars fail to make the playoffs.

1996-97: Young Iginla plays his first full season in the NHL, accumulating 50 points. However, he loses the Calder for Top Rookie to Bryan Berard (Scary Stuff)

1997-98: Jarome slumps, posting only 32 points. He does however, fight Rick Tocchet, I assume the fight is over whose jersey sucks more. 

1998-99: Establishing what has become a theme through his career, Jarome bounces back, scoring 28 goals to lead all Flames. Meanwhile, Joe Nieuwendyk and the Dallas Stars win the Stanley Cup by cheating. 

1999-2000: Iginla pulls a "Doughty" and refuses to sign a contract. He misses three games but he makes up for it, scoring 29 goals and totally 63 points. You know who else made it big in 2000? Four words: Bud Light Bubble Hockey.

What is his stick made out of? Cooked Pasta?

2000-01: Iginla works well with Marc Savard, and attains new highs in Goals (31) and Points (71). You know what doesn't work well with Marc Savard? Matt Cooke. Also, whatever he ate for dinner.

2001-02: All Hail King Iggy! Jarome breaks the 50 goal mark, reaches 96 points and wins the Rocket Richard, Art Ross and Lester B. Pearson Awards. He loses the Hart to Jose Theodore, and his amazing hair.

Meh, I prefer XBOX

2002-03: Jarome regresses, finishing the season with only 67 points. His poor play could be attributed to dislocating his finger in this fight (man, Marc Savard gets destroyed like every game he plays)

Did you know his last name means "Big Tree" in Yoruba?

2003-04: Jarome Iginla becomes the first black captain in NHL history, well kind of. And he takes the Flames to the Stanley Cup Finals, doing a little of this and a little of this. Unfortunately, the Flames lose and we no longer get to witness the "Red Mile"

2004-05: Jarome doesn't play overseas during the lockout, instead focusing on becoming a better player, oh and working on his acting skills.

HA! Blocked!

2005-06: Iginla struggles again, following the trend of his on again off again career, honestly he's like Ross and Rachel's relationship, amirite? He does however do this, which is pretty cool. MARKUS NASLUND RESPONDS.

2006-07: Well look at that, Iginla has a bounce back season. Despite missing 12 games he records an impressive 94 points. You know who else had 94 points? This guy.

2007-08: Ig-Latin has a BIG year. He passes Theoren Fleury(364) on the Career Goals by a Flame list as well as breaking the franchise record for Games Played. He also signs a new contract that pays him Seven, Seven? Yeah Seven million dollars a season. P.S. Did Miley Cyrus really screw up the count-in to that song? WOW

To the left, to the left, everyone on the Flames sits to Iginla's left

2008-09: Jarome reaches 800 points, then scores his 400th goal and on December 31st 2008 records a five point game. Pretty selfish Jarome.

2009-10: Jarome becomes "Sutterized" which sounds REALLY painful. The Flames fail to make the Playoffs for the first time in 7 years, ie. the year Jarome was made Captain, because they make Jarome play with this guy.

2010-11: Despite playing well, with 43 goals and 86 points, speculation begins to swirl around Jarome, some say trade him and some say don't. And everyone laughs as the Flames fall short of the playoffs again, despite getting points in 46 of their final 57 games.

What was that? Trade Rumours? Lalalalalalalala can't hear you lalalalala

Jarome Iginla has become the Face of the Franchise for the Calgary Flames, so naturally, they're trying to trade him away. And although he got his start in Dallas, who is doing just fantastic right now, unlike them, he has no Stanley Cup Ring. He is an exemplary athlete, a consummate professional and very active with charities. He has represented Canada at three Olympics, winning Gold twice. So let's all hope the Flames trade him to a team that actually has more than snowballs chance in hell of winning the Stanley Cup this year. What was that? "But they have Mikka Kiprusoff!" you say? I got your Mikka Kiprusoff right here.

Join us tomorrow when we discuss the Carolina Hurricanes and their Face of the Franchise, the big-bodied, smooth-skating master of Fratricide, Eric Staal.